Break it down and explain the mistakes I've made.

I had this crazy idea.. this idea that i could make almost a memory video of moments in my life.. moments that stick out in my mind with the awesome lessons learned or just the awesome memories! Just like a dreamlike consistency to em, and with this awesome acoustic guitar sound behind it.. It was an idea that crossed my mind yesterday and I've been thinking and thinking about it sense.... So i thought I would copy all my quotes from facebook onto here so its like a safebox of it.. i'm excited!
Favorite Quotations	**The good thing about pain is it lets you know that you're still alive-myself** ~ Happiness is a necessity. I got what I need.--Lil Wayne ~ "Greg wants to know if you and Calvin are a "thing".. hehe. I said no that you two just f*ck a bunch n ur gonna be his sugar mama hunka hunka burnin love.... you shoulda seen his face! baha"-Becky Klauer ♥ ♥ ♥ ...~ "You could care less about me, I know I know you don't give a fuck, it shows. Don't come crawling to me when it ends, I used to actually feel like your best friend." ~ Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain ~ The eyes of a survivor always see the world in hope." -Jes Parsons ~ "So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around" - George Carlin ~ I wanna be the best, and to do that you have to win. That's what drives me - Kobe Bryant ~ Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe you.-Jes Parsons ~ as mature as i thought you were its clear to me now that your nothing but a child still inside .. unable to see the world the way it really is and making false assumptions .. ~ Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Mark Twain ~ The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. --Albert Einstein ~ ‎"Life is an interesting journey. You never know where it'll take you. Peaks and valleys, twists and turns.. At the end of the road, through all the adversity, if you can get where you wanted to be, you remember whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and all the adversity was worth it." -T.I. ~ "Hated by many; confronted by none" ~ “If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?” ~ Pain wastes the Body, Pleasures the Understanding. ~ Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain ~ The limits of my language are the limits of my mind. All I know is what I have words for." -- Ludwig Wittwenstein ~ ‎'We don't cheat in my bed. U cheat in the smoosh bed. My bed is in our room, ur bed is the smoosh bed and goes in the smoosh room.'-AMANDA WILLIAMS hahahahahaha ~ ‎"Kyle pissed himself!!" "No i didnt!! THAT wud b Mikes Hard lemonade i didnt get 2 drink unless i wanted to suck it out!! u want some of this action?!" **puts leg up on table** haha!! ~ It isn't enough for your heart to break because everybody's heart is broken now. ~ Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -MARK TWAIN ~ Love, and be loved. ~ "The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway." ~ come across as positive in everything you do.. every moment is once in a lifetime, and therefore every first impression you make is the photograph of yourself you place in each individual's mind you come across. ~ Obsession is a word the weak use 2 describe the dedicated ~ Many complain of their Memory, few of their Judgment. ~ it is human nature to attack what we don't know, what we don't understand.. To break down what scares us. Resist, stay strong, and fly free. -myself ~ Happiness is an acquired state of mind that takes work. It's not handed to us. It requires seeing through the negativity and loving what you have. We suffer no regrets in this life. -myself ~ "It is one of the truths of life that, if you want to influence others, it is not enough to know a subject; you must also be able to express what you know." -- H.G. Rickover ~‎ Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. -Eleanor Roosevelt ~ "will anything I ever say have any impact on anyone, ever be taken seriously, or ever matter at all. I'm tired of no one listening to me, no one of us is invincible, we all need someone sometimes." -Bridget Klein ~ “We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." ~ "fuck it real is real and that's all there is." Benjamin Dever ~ Rob- did you just answer my question... using the exact same words? me-yeah... prolly... Rob-i didnt even know you could do that. ~ Random dude-"do i know you from somewhere? I feel like ive seen you around. " Gil-"dude, no. don't even go there. she's in high school, no you haven't seen her around" Random dude-you serious? no way this chick is in high school..." Me-"you DO realize you have pop rocks stuck to your forehead right?" ~ Becky-If he gets totally unmanageable, put him in the tub. me-with no water??? ~ "OMG! HIS CHEST IS SOO HAIRY!!! it looks like his chest has an angry face!!!" ~ Becky-"this smells like peanutbutter!" Me-"are you pregnant again?!!" Becky-"oh god no!" * "Im a pixie!!" * "DAMN shawty, you just got knocked the fuck out!!" -Lil John * Michaela- "Look, I'm sorry, but Alli, you're like Hitler. It just comes naturally." * "At the age of twelve I had had an attitude toward life that was to endure, that was make me seek those areas of living that would keep it alive, that was to make me skeptical of everything while seeking everything, tolerant of all and yet critical. The spirit I had caught gave me insight into the sufferings of others, made me gravitate toward those whose feelings were like my own, made me sit for hours while others told me of their lives, made me strangely tender and cruel, violent and peaceful." ~ ♥ ~ -Richard Wright * dont be afraid of the if's or u'll go nowhere in life. no matter what u do there will always be that (If). let that shit blow by u and stay in the moment n live life up to the fullest. if u believe, then forget everything an go along with it.forget everything u think that begins with what (IF). -ryan schilling. ~ it's always good to have backup...you never know whose thick skull is gunna break the bat...or the shovel.. -myself ~ "screw the world ending in 2012, at this rate its going down faster than anticipated....." -myself ~ "But what if it dosent have a safety?? Because then I'll accidently taze myself reaching in my pocket for my phone or something!" -Amanda ~ nobodies perfect. NOBODY. so why pretend you are? the only thing you can do is acknowledge whats wrong and do what you can to help yourself. -Caleb Smith ~ Me-what IS this?? Britt-umm, a mcdouble i think.. Me-wtf is a mcdouble?? Britt-YOU ordered it!!! ~ you can walk on your own two feet or you can fall to your knees and crawl...either way, moving forward is your only option.... how you get there is your only choice... cause no matter how far backwards you run, there is no going back. -Sarah Streif ~ harlan-...and then i felt a crunchy shell and was like WHAT THE HECK!! me-wait, WHAT!?! harlan-there was a LADYBUG! .....in my peeps. (shivers disgustedly) ~ I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, theres a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it. -- Tupac Shakur ~ And if I die today i bet the world end tomorrow Haha it's fucked up how you ain't never me... -Lil wayne ~ It's like if you plant something in the concrete and if it grow and the rose petal got all kinda scratches and marks, you ain't gonna say "damn, look at all the scratches and marks on the rose that grew from the concrete.." you gonna be like "DAMN! a ROSE grew from the CONCRETE?" -Tupac Shakur ~ Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t.This fucking black cloud’s still follow’s me around. But it’s time to exercise these demons. These motherfu**ers are doing jumping jacks now!" -Eminem ~ "You were the one who made things different, you were the one who took me in. You were the one thing I could count on, above all, you were my friend." -Tom Petty ~ Shelby Ann Davis- "idk i had this dream and in it i was imagining that *** was a sack of flour. SO i was thinkin you needed to dump him out a window and NOT stick around for the big explosion of flour cuz ul jus get dragged down w the flour." ily girl! ♥ ♥ ♥ ~ Jake- "you shouldn't have to please everyone, then they'll expect it all of the time!" ~ "Excuse me, while I go quietly insane."-Chelsey Dever ~ "I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." - Thomas Edison * "Allison Pfohl!... I just wanted to call and let you know about MY ridiculous evening... Just gettin back from East and i just wanted to let you know that apparently it is illegal to spit on the sidewalk. Yeah, that's right; Eeee-LEGAL!!! I just saw one of my buddies put in hand cuffs and taken to jail. For spittin' on the sidewalk. I'm not shitting you. Pulling in my driveway right now and i am NOT shitting you; I just saw a cop arrest one of my friends for spitting on the sidewalk. So for future refrence; don't spit on the sidewalk. You get arrested."-Ben Dever ~ "Beautiful! You have the voice of fergie and jesus put together :) " -Hannah Polkinghorn ~ "i've been through a lot of shit this year BUT.. Imma keep ma head up like ma nose is bleedin." -Lil Wayne ~ "don't deny the truth!! your car is as reliable as Mike is drunk in Wisconsin!" -Schilling ~ For me, I sort of felt like it was kind of a fairytale... but an interesting one. I don't know of anybody who has had a romance quite like this, but I certainly know people who have stuck it out. -Ryan Gosling ~ "Go where you feel safest." -Brittany Holmes ♥ * "idk i was looking at her double chin yuck... nasty in the pasty right there"- Bryce Blackbourn **In reference to same person** "it's like, 'honey; you've got 3 stomachs and 4 chins. there ain't NOTHIN cute about your half of that picture!'"-Gil ~ "You can pay for school, but you can't buy class." -Jay Z * "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum." ~ "Lord, lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself" ~ I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. -myself ~ " I'll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee." -Muhammad Ali ~ There is no such thing as a 2nd second chance. Every Hero needs a Heroin. I spend these nights counting stars like a runaway. I don't believe in your hate.These scars are gonna fade. -Thriving Ivory. "you've seen me in all types of light, And I've been meaning to ask you if I'm doin all right."

Sink her to the level of the rest of us that inherit the earth.

He said it's the Bird, it must have been the Bird. 


Disgusting critter.. 


He should have known better than to trust this disease infested ball of lust and carnage. 


He called her a piece of garbage with wings who has the guts to sing. 


He told them get the Bird, catch her, shoot her, he didn't care. Get the bird, bring her down to the ground from out the air. 


He told them we gotta tear her apart, to let him at her first. 


Asked them, What's she thinking? Does she really believe?? 


He said, See her up in the tree, looking down at you and me? Like she's chosen over us who walk around on two feet. 


She was Antagonizing and instigating his hate. The chirps, he turned them into screams. 



He said, my feathered friend's end will justify the means.


They were Disturbed, as he grabbed her by her beak and swung her in circles until she was too dizzy to speak. 


He shook her from her branch, tore apart her nest. They watched him break her skinny legs and fry her eggs up for breakfast. 


Called her a snake that could fly, food for the fleas. 


He said She think's She's better then me just because she's free. 



His beautiful Bird has gone away.
Trying to remind us, its time to awake.

I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away.

So, today in Marriage and family, I had a revelation. We were discussing abusive relationships, and long story short I had more or less an epiphany.

People are the way they are for a reason, not for an excuse. Excuses are for those floundering for a real meaning for actions. Or they're simply in denial.

Today watching the documentary, there were victims of domestic abuse who said they felt that the person only did it because they loved them. That the obsessiveness and pain inflicted was because they loved them so much that they wanted to see these women go to the ends of the earth for them. Which led to me thinking; why FOR them? Why not WITH them? That seems completely ass bakwards to me.

Another point brought up was a girl saying, "It was like if i could just make that cake right, everything would be perfect. So i kept baking and baking and baking, but each time I was wrong, something wasn't perfect about it. And believe me, I tried every recipe there was."That's what it felt like. No matter how many things i tried I still couldn't be perfect enough for him.

Another thing was loneliness. These women felt so utterly lonely and hurt while with that person, and thought that they really loved them. That the reason they did all of this was BECAUSE they loved them, that they were just being insecure in themselves and making sure you were with them through think and thin. I could relate to this so much it was crazy. I had never in my life felt as lonely as I did when I was with him. I had to constantly tiptoe, because I was terrified of what he was going to do, what he was going to say, how he was going to feel... I was always looking over my shoulder. That is NOT healthy.

This documentary just made me feel a million times better than i already felt about my decision. I admit i was feeling guilty simply because I know how dependant he was on me,and how much he NEEDED me. But this just made me realize he really is just a sick man. Very sick. And the worst part is that he will never acknowledge it and will continue his life in his wrong ways, always thinking that when bad things happen to him., life is simply picking on him. Doing bad things to a good person who has done nothing to DESERVE it. God how I hate that word now... smh. As Jes says, "Life deals us out shit, we never'deserve' it. Shit just fucking happens. Life's a bitch, and u jus gotta figure out how to move on." So true. Sometimes it's karma, sometimes it's just life.

"So I stopped right there and said 'go on alone. Cuz I won't follow. This isn't giving up, no this is letting go. Out with the old dreams I've borrowed, the path i carve from here on out will be my own."

Like broken mirrors. Ten million shards of glass and tears.

I keep thinking about moving to Nebraska...nonstop. I can't help it. I'm anxious to escape... to get away. I don't want anything to do with a lot of the people here. Especially Ben..

Oooh yes. Ben ben ben.. That fucking guy refuses to leave my mind. As much as I'd LOVE to blast him out, he's still there. But then again, so were others. Time heals everything.. But I've never been good with waiting. I know i've got a good thing, and I'm not about to mess it up [again]. It's usually not even good things I am thinking when I think of him. Usually I'm comparing how awful he was and how much better off I am now.. comparing.. which i know Ryan hates, but I can't help it... it's so incredibly and shockingly different it's crazy. It's absolutely relieving to be honest. I don't have to wait eight hours for a respond to a text, I don't have to worry about him getting pissed off about stupid shit that doesn't matter. The relief is so overwhelming I could almost cry.

A part of me is always going to want to scream at him, I think. Scream at him for all the things that he's done to me. All the things he's made me feel. All the hate I've had pulsing through my heart. Scream in his face. And to see him crumble. To see him feel a fraction of what he's done to me. Feel the sick satisfaction of knowing he finally knows. But it's okay, I'll suffice with knowing that my life is happier than his will ever be again. He ruined the singlemost best thing that ever happened to him. And now he can suffer for the rest of his life for it, while i continue on with mine, and continue to be happy without him. I hate him.

"Block the entrances, close the doors. Seal the exits, because this is war.All gave some, some gave all. But for what I want to know. Carry on, don't mind me. All I gave was everything. And yet you ask me for more. Fought your fight, bought your life, and in return; I lost my life. What purpose does this serve? ...You have it backwards. It is better to Live on your Feet than to Die on your Knees. Don't carry on, just walk away."

They say be afraid, you're not like the others.

i was struggling to stay awake in math today, and decided to list a bunch of facts about me. Not personality wise, but internally. Shit that's the innards that nobody knows lol and this is what i came up with :)
-I count ceiling tiles when I'm bored
-People who chew with their mouthes open gross me out and disgust me.
-My stereo volume always has to be on an even #
-Math seriously bores me to the point of falling asleep
-I graduated High school early to get away from immature drama
-I'm very compassionate which is probably my biggest flaw.
-I bite the inside of my mouth when something is bothering me/
-I absolutely cannot stomach bloody movies or shows.
-Daydreaming is a part of my everyday life
-My mind never stops racing
-I love drinking Arnold Palmers
-I forget things easily and usually write things on my hand to remember
-I wish i was better at drawing
-THe little things mean teh most to me
-I face a daily struggle to forgive and let go
-When I hear a song that has significance to my life, i get the chills every time i hear it without fail.
-It crushes me to see others in pain
-I don't cry often and when i do, it is very brief and doesn't last long
-I hate writing in pencil
-Sometimes it's hard for me to smile.
-One of these days I'm leaving this place. And once i'm gone, Im never coming back.
-I wish i was closer with my brothers.
-I love the smell of pine trees
-I don't believe in feeling with the heart.. It comes from the soul.
-I love kids.
-I cant draw a straight line to save my life
-my newest goal in life is to fight for a cause and be passionate about it.
-Many people I have relied on have walked away.
-My body hates alcohol and punishes me when i drink a lot of it.
-Whenever I see paneled windows, I count the corners, over and over and over and over again.
-I wear my watch on my right wrist, even tho I'm not left handed.
-I feel naked if i'm not wearing a necklace
-I hate clocks. They make me anxious.
-I brush my teeth.. a LOT
-I have my Mother's eyes, strength, and temper
-For me there is a difference between living and being alive.
-I love tattoos. My body is a canvas, always ready for the next addition.
-I hate being wrong. Especially about people.

"The path I carve from here on out will be my own ... This path will be my own."

Why don't you just leave?

School means absolutely nothing to me.. i cannot stay awake when i'm there and i cant for the life of me take it seriously. I'm still debating about how i'm going to go about this KC thing... Do i enroll into Capri for a semester? Just for the experience? or do I continue to work full time? I suppose i could find out in May when i go down there... I am so excited to do this... Excited and nervous. A whole LOT of nervous. My mind is jumping around today.. I'm in such a strange state of mind right now... I wish i could explain it. I still find it shocking how Ben reacted when I told him that i was moving... At first i knew the thoughts of long distance or simply ending our relationship breifly crossed his mind, then he attempted to voice these concerns he had, and once he finally grew silent again, he simply said, "Give me six months. Six months to prepare."

Goodness, so much to talk about tonight... So much intensity has been going on... I almost lost my mind on Monday I think it was.. Rachel Drew is becoming the bane of my existence. She seems to think that she can manipulate him. I think not. But i was so shaken up when he told me... I think i vaguely remember him telling me about the first one already... but the second one.. did NOT know about that one.. or that when him and Sarah were together he would drive to see Rachel because of these stupid 'nightmares', and sarah not only knew about these late nights but was ok with it. As I told Jes, im NOT sarah, and i will NOT tollerate that. No way in hell. She threw away a lot of chances in 7 years, and thats her own problem. Do not involve yourself in my relationships, unless you want to have a REAL nightmare. But anyways, back to what the HELL was going on in my mind when he "re-"informed me.. A lot of hate... a lack of sympathy, and a whole lot of jealousy. Yep, I was intimidated that she had that kind of manipulative hold on him, and knew exactly how to push his buttons... how to get in his head... he's usually so good at detecting bull shit like that so i guess that's what upsets me.. he can't see what is plain as day to anyone who knows anything.

But i think imma sneak a nap in quick before going over to benjamin's casa :)

"This house is filled with rocks. We regret to inform you there's no love here for you. You make a horrible point, your eyes looking lost. So leave. Just leave through the cutting board cutting board cutting room floor. You've got this crazy notion, let;s rip this out by the seems. With every word you try to say you dig yourself a hole you can;t escape. I was a little bit more than what you came here for."

the quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth

I don't think i've ever felt this lonely in my life... Last night sitting in the ER, curled up in two chairs, falling asleep against the wall, i suddenly woke up and wanted to start crying. I wanted to burst into tears and just leave. I was so tempted... and so sad. I've never felt so alone in my life. I've had some pretty low points in my life, but last night for some reason i've just never felt so alone. I don't like to think about it. I want to keep blocking it out.

"And i don't think that you see the places inside me that i Find... And I don't know how we woke up one day and somehow thought we knew exactly what we're supposed to do."

and one by one i watched every constellation die

so here's a thought. Going to Paul Mitchell school... talking to Bholmes today about her not getting accepted into her program for radiology and just talking about life in general.. i got to talking about Alex and him going to Paul Mitchell... as i was playing with her hair jus messing around.. and i thought to myself that i would effing love to go to Paul Mitchell.. and how that way i could live in KC.. i swear, that's where my heart is yearning to be.. I mean damn, i could get started with school there, and shit, i mean it's not exactly like it takes a genius to be able to write.. why can't i WRITE and not have all the technical shit clouding my mind? That's why i do this.. to CLEAR my mind and say what is on my mind.. i just feel like i should do writing the way i want to, not be like a trained dog when it comes to writing.. there is no guaranteed formula for it... it needs to come naturally, not be forced or applied manually.. and that's what i do.. flow. Let my words flow, let the creativity run free.. Bholmes is encouraging me to do it.. saying it's soemthing i'm good at so if it's something i'd like to at least try, to just GO for it... idk. I feel like i should talk to my mom and see what she has to say about it.. Maybe i need to do some research on this.. tuition etc.. fuck.

"Man can love an angel but he's got to take the chance... respect the life and the fashions of the children, it's the only culture i've got; exactly what we've been building....The clouds ran away, opened up the sky...And there i was, frozen, standing in my backyard. Face to face, eye to eye, staring at the last star."

Someday oh i'll make time. Maybe. But not tonight.

So, i found myself once again wondering why it is Bridget is being such a difficult person.. it's crazy to think that so much we've been through and yet.. after everything we've been through with eachother, and how much we've been there for eachother, every obstacle we've overcome, TOGETHER. i still just can't seem to get over that she's no longer in my life... it's crazy. In a way, it's one less person to worry about, but still.. i can't stop caring. it just doesn't work that way... I have no off button :( i'm excellent at blocking emotions out however. And I continue to do that.. unfortunately. Listening to Josephine Collective, and god, i effing love it. It makes me so chill. That and Apocalyptica.. Ryan intoduced me to them, and needless to say, i find myself drawn into even the songs without words, which is slightly unusual for me.. although the white noise i've been listening to to focus more on homework has worked wonders. I think too much. And the whole not having to think of the lyrics thing helps slow down my racing thoughts and focus more on the task at hand. like homework. ANYWAYS. now that i've managed to stray kind of off topic haha ... bridget. bridget bridget klein.. hopeless and utterly obsessed bridget. God it still pisses me off that she is STILL obsessed with him... i mean good grief.. enough is enough! but i don't want to talk about that right now..

I talked to Jes Parsons last night and I remembered why i absolutely love talking to that guy. He understands my mindset so well it's insanity. He says something and i finish his sentence. We've always been on the same page.. we have a lot of the same beliefs and philosophies in regards to life. I love that we can listen to eachother and actually just soak in what the other has to say. I feel like a damn sponge when i'm talking with him haha i absolutely love it! And i don't have to worry about him having "ulterior motives" ad wanting a relationship more than friendship with me. thank GOD. we've had that conversation before. He's making me lunch on tuesday! I'm so excited!! No guy has ever made me food before! haha i think we're just having burgers or something but i'm excited regardless. I love spending time with him, specifically because he's amazing to have conversations with. I feel like i'm repeating myself when i say this but i feel so enlightened when i talk to him.. no judging, similar backgrounds, similar histories, similar mindsets, and similar personalities. We're very different in some respects, but we're scary alike in other instances. I think me and Jes were meant to be twins or something haha

"I wasn't alive for thousands and thousands of years. Then I was born and it didn't bother me the slightest." Mark Twain.

"A kid without a conscious cries alone in his cold bedroom at night. Perpetually asking why oh why am i so lonely as he sharpens his knife.Why don't we try harder than last time to dry our eyes and smile?"

Strong Enough to Stay Away

yep. I've gone and done it now. I feel like my brain should be more muddled than it is.. but in all honesty, it felt right. No matter how "wrong" it was... God i just miss him so much.. It was so familiar and non foreign.. i could be ALLISON. and not somebody i think he'll like. I was able to be myself. He makes me laugh like nobody's business, and keeps a smile on my face.. he's no toy soldier. "I guess I feel in love with a toy soldier." No more. Goddamn, i miss having someone who would drop everything to do the little things for me.. like buy me doritos for crying out loud..I miss being so important that somebody was able to make time for me no problem. I miss the non-intensity of a relationship where i'm crazy insanely happy ALL the time. "When the exception becomes the constant, is that when love fades?" All me and ben do is fight. All me and ryan do is have fun... it's such a contradicting web of intricate insanity it makes me wonder if i HAVE lost my sanity..they're complete opposites yet scarily alike. It both weirds me out and intrigues me at the same time. to have two individuals that are so different and such polar opposites find themselves interested in the same individual just strikes me as odd. I need coffee. Doritos aren't cutting the cake today. I need a mocha in order to finish my thinking. To be continued.

"Like a moth i'm drawn into your flame..You look in my eyes. I'm stripped of my pride. And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to its knees.And it's killin  me when your away. I wanna leave an I wanna stay.I'm so confused, so hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain.And i know it's wrong and i know it's right. Even if i tried to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind, and i'm not strong enough to stay away."

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Ryan told me it was of my own doing, and i'm quite aware he's right. I need to stop complaining... He's the only person i would trust enough with everything and anything. I'm not going to lie, i miss having fun.. i miss being carefree and knowing that somebody loves me for EVERYTHING i am.. not just some things...I keep listening to the song Crack my Heart by Josephine the Collective, and keep thinking of ryan and everything we've been through. All the bullshit i've put that guy through, and he's such a genuine person he still sticks around because he's got a heart. It seriously makes me want to cry. He knows me better than anyone.. he can tell if i'm lying, if i'm not okay, if something's bothering me.. He knows if i'll like a song or a band... "It’s too late now to stop the process. This was your choice – you let it in. This double life you live is eating you up from within. A thousand shards of glass you pushed beneath my skin, And left me lying here to bleed. And as you showed my your scars, I only held you closer. But as the light in you went dark I saw you turn over... I wanted always to be there for you and close to you, But I’m loosing this And I’m loosing you. And oh I’ve gotta turn and run."
i think a part of me is intrigued that he's managed to pull himself together without me.. he doesn't NEED me. It feels as though Ben needs me to survive. He tells me all cocky that he "doesn't need this shit," and this "Isn't what i fucking signed up for" n yadda yadda ya, but last time i left him, he was a mess. EVERY time we've had a falling out where we don't talk, he falls appart, Yea, it FELT like i was going to fall apart, but i didn't. I held myself together. And Ryan helped. gah, this is so frustrating. This is all kind of a big deal.Hanging out with Ryan today was amazing... I was laughing constantly. And getting a hug from him was the highlight of my day...I miss the person he brought out in me. The spirit he released. feeling HAPPY. not just when things were going a certain way, but ALL the time. I miss Ryan. And this is NOT good. 


"Now that i'm gone; scream your loudest, if he's in your basement. If he's touching your skin, i'll kill him. Hold my brush to his head, said i'd paint this whole town red. Crack my heart and spill it."

Creation? No more.

i hate when he gets difficult. When he decides that whenever imma do my own thing and do something without him that he's going to be difficult. As if that's going to change my mind. I'm not about to change my plans that i've had for over a month just because he has that same weekend off. And now his car is broken down. Joy. I've offered to drive him if he needs a ride, and he's not responding. I've asked what is wrong that his car is "broken" and nothing. He's probably on the phone figuring shit out right now, which i can understand, but damn.. Here i am, being a ray of sunshine as always, forced to fit a mold so as not to cause problems, and what is it getting me? breif moments of happiness? agh, it's so frustrating. What i want to do is strip myself down to the bare essentials of my being, and figure out what i am. Figure out what i stand for. What i'm made of. No more supressing everything that makes me uncomfortable. Time for some re-constructing i think. I keep telling myself that i'm going to, but i haven't taken action. Time to make it official and to take it seriously. I cannot continue to make everyone else happy. Time to do me. No creating, no constructing. Time to become an individual, for real this time. There is no time like now. Mise well do it now before it's too late and i'm somebody of everybody's creation. We were watching Gone With the Wind today in history, and i couldn't help but admire Scarlette, despite her silly girlish ways. She's a strong independent woman, and although she chased her dreams of Ashley for such a long time, she realized what was not to be, and continued to be strong and rise. She didn't let anyone ever tell her what to do, and she was so fierce and independent i couldn't help but envy her. Time to step up to the plate Allison.

"I believe that life is a prize.But to live doesn't mean you're alive. I call the shots, I am the umpire."

goodbye pencils.

"ya it's gonna be on the news. Allison pfohl mass murderer was captured today. She killed hundreds and wrote amazing things about each and every one of them. lol" -Schilling 3-1-11

I've had it with pencil. It fades, smudges, and can be erased.
To start over and rebuild myself from scratch is something that's becoming a burning desire.. what started out as a light itch is mutating into a dream i crave... and the worst part is knowing i can do it.

"I hear the tears of a clown. I hate that song. I always feel like they talking to me when it comes on. Another Day another Dawn."