Ryan told me it was of my own doing, and i'm quite aware he's right. I need to stop complaining... He's the only person i would trust enough with everything and anything. I'm not going to lie, i miss having fun.. i miss being carefree and knowing that somebody loves me for EVERYTHING i am.. not just some things...I keep listening to the song Crack my Heart by Josephine the Collective, and keep thinking of ryan and everything we've been through. All the bullshit i've put that guy through, and he's such a genuine person he still sticks around because he's got a heart. It seriously makes me want to cry. He knows me better than anyone.. he can tell if i'm lying, if i'm not okay, if something's bothering me.. He knows if i'll like a song or a band... "It’s too late now to stop the process. This was your choice – you let it in. This double life you live is eating you up from within. A thousand shards of glass you pushed beneath my skin, And left me lying here to bleed. And as you showed my your scars, I only held you closer. But as the light in you went dark I saw you turn over... I wanted always to be there for you and close to you, But I’m loosing this And I’m loosing you. And oh I’ve gotta turn and run."
i think a part of me is intrigued that he's managed to pull himself together without me.. he doesn't NEED me. It feels as though Ben needs me to survive. He tells me all cocky that he "doesn't need this shit," and this "Isn't what i fucking signed up for" n yadda yadda ya, but last time i left him, he was a mess. EVERY time we've had a falling out where we don't talk, he falls appart, Yea, it FELT like i was going to fall apart, but i didn't. I held myself together. And Ryan helped. gah, this is so frustrating. This is all kind of a big deal.Hanging out with Ryan today was amazing... I was laughing constantly. And getting a hug from him was the highlight of my day...I miss the person he brought out in me. The spirit he released. feeling HAPPY. not just when things were going a certain way, but ALL the time. I miss Ryan. And this is NOT good.
"Now that i'm gone; scream your loudest, if he's in your basement. If he's touching your skin, i'll kill him. Hold my brush to his head, said i'd paint this whole town red. Crack my heart and spill it."
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