Creation? No more.

i hate when he gets difficult. When he decides that whenever imma do my own thing and do something without him that he's going to be difficult. As if that's going to change my mind. I'm not about to change my plans that i've had for over a month just because he has that same weekend off. And now his car is broken down. Joy. I've offered to drive him if he needs a ride, and he's not responding. I've asked what is wrong that his car is "broken" and nothing. He's probably on the phone figuring shit out right now, which i can understand, but damn.. Here i am, being a ray of sunshine as always, forced to fit a mold so as not to cause problems, and what is it getting me? breif moments of happiness? agh, it's so frustrating. What i want to do is strip myself down to the bare essentials of my being, and figure out what i am. Figure out what i stand for. What i'm made of. No more supressing everything that makes me uncomfortable. Time for some re-constructing i think. I keep telling myself that i'm going to, but i haven't taken action. Time to make it official and to take it seriously. I cannot continue to make everyone else happy. Time to do me. No creating, no constructing. Time to become an individual, for real this time. There is no time like now. Mise well do it now before it's too late and i'm somebody of everybody's creation. We were watching Gone With the Wind today in history, and i couldn't help but admire Scarlette, despite her silly girlish ways. She's a strong independent woman, and although she chased her dreams of Ashley for such a long time, she realized what was not to be, and continued to be strong and rise. She didn't let anyone ever tell her what to do, and she was so fierce and independent i couldn't help but envy her. Time to step up to the plate Allison.

"I believe that life is a prize.But to live doesn't mean you're alive. I call the shots, I am the umpire."