I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away.

So, today in Marriage and family, I had a revelation. We were discussing abusive relationships, and long story short I had more or less an epiphany.

People are the way they are for a reason, not for an excuse. Excuses are for those floundering for a real meaning for actions. Or they're simply in denial.

Today watching the documentary, there were victims of domestic abuse who said they felt that the person only did it because they loved them. That the obsessiveness and pain inflicted was because they loved them so much that they wanted to see these women go to the ends of the earth for them. Which led to me thinking; why FOR them? Why not WITH them? That seems completely ass bakwards to me.

Another point brought up was a girl saying, "It was like if i could just make that cake right, everything would be perfect. So i kept baking and baking and baking, but each time I was wrong, something wasn't perfect about it. And believe me, I tried every recipe there was."That's what it felt like. No matter how many things i tried I still couldn't be perfect enough for him.

Another thing was loneliness. These women felt so utterly lonely and hurt while with that person, and thought that they really loved them. That the reason they did all of this was BECAUSE they loved them, that they were just being insecure in themselves and making sure you were with them through think and thin. I could relate to this so much it was crazy. I had never in my life felt as lonely as I did when I was with him. I had to constantly tiptoe, because I was terrified of what he was going to do, what he was going to say, how he was going to feel... I was always looking over my shoulder. That is NOT healthy.

This documentary just made me feel a million times better than i already felt about my decision. I admit i was feeling guilty simply because I know how dependant he was on me,and how much he NEEDED me. But this just made me realize he really is just a sick man. Very sick. And the worst part is that he will never acknowledge it and will continue his life in his wrong ways, always thinking that when bad things happen to him., life is simply picking on him. Doing bad things to a good person who has done nothing to DESERVE it. God how I hate that word now... smh. As Jes says, "Life deals us out shit, we never'deserve' it. Shit just fucking happens. Life's a bitch, and u jus gotta figure out how to move on." So true. Sometimes it's karma, sometimes it's just life.

"So I stopped right there and said 'go on alone. Cuz I won't follow. This isn't giving up, no this is letting go. Out with the old dreams I've borrowed, the path i carve from here on out will be my own."