I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away.

So, today in Marriage and family, I had a revelation. We were discussing abusive relationships, and long story short I had more or less an epiphany.

People are the way they are for a reason, not for an excuse. Excuses are for those floundering for a real meaning for actions. Or they're simply in denial.

Today watching the documentary, there were victims of domestic abuse who said they felt that the person only did it because they loved them. That the obsessiveness and pain inflicted was because they loved them so much that they wanted to see these women go to the ends of the earth for them. Which led to me thinking; why FOR them? Why not WITH them? That seems completely ass bakwards to me.

Another point brought up was a girl saying, "It was like if i could just make that cake right, everything would be perfect. So i kept baking and baking and baking, but each time I was wrong, something wasn't perfect about it. And believe me, I tried every recipe there was."That's what it felt like. No matter how many things i tried I still couldn't be perfect enough for him.

Another thing was loneliness. These women felt so utterly lonely and hurt while with that person, and thought that they really loved them. That the reason they did all of this was BECAUSE they loved them, that they were just being insecure in themselves and making sure you were with them through think and thin. I could relate to this so much it was crazy. I had never in my life felt as lonely as I did when I was with him. I had to constantly tiptoe, because I was terrified of what he was going to do, what he was going to say, how he was going to feel... I was always looking over my shoulder. That is NOT healthy.

This documentary just made me feel a million times better than i already felt about my decision. I admit i was feeling guilty simply because I know how dependant he was on me,and how much he NEEDED me. But this just made me realize he really is just a sick man. Very sick. And the worst part is that he will never acknowledge it and will continue his life in his wrong ways, always thinking that when bad things happen to him., life is simply picking on him. Doing bad things to a good person who has done nothing to DESERVE it. God how I hate that word now... smh. As Jes says, "Life deals us out shit, we never'deserve' it. Shit just fucking happens. Life's a bitch, and u jus gotta figure out how to move on." So true. Sometimes it's karma, sometimes it's just life.

"So I stopped right there and said 'go on alone. Cuz I won't follow. This isn't giving up, no this is letting go. Out with the old dreams I've borrowed, the path i carve from here on out will be my own."

Like broken mirrors. Ten million shards of glass and tears.

I keep thinking about moving to Nebraska...nonstop. I can't help it. I'm anxious to escape... to get away. I don't want anything to do with a lot of the people here. Especially Ben..

Oooh yes. Ben ben ben.. That fucking guy refuses to leave my mind. As much as I'd LOVE to blast him out, he's still there. But then again, so were others. Time heals everything.. But I've never been good with waiting. I know i've got a good thing, and I'm not about to mess it up [again]. It's usually not even good things I am thinking when I think of him. Usually I'm comparing how awful he was and how much better off I am now.. comparing.. which i know Ryan hates, but I can't help it... it's so incredibly and shockingly different it's crazy. It's absolutely relieving to be honest. I don't have to wait eight hours for a respond to a text, I don't have to worry about him getting pissed off about stupid shit that doesn't matter. The relief is so overwhelming I could almost cry.

A part of me is always going to want to scream at him, I think. Scream at him for all the things that he's done to me. All the things he's made me feel. All the hate I've had pulsing through my heart. Scream in his face. And to see him crumble. To see him feel a fraction of what he's done to me. Feel the sick satisfaction of knowing he finally knows. But it's okay, I'll suffice with knowing that my life is happier than his will ever be again. He ruined the singlemost best thing that ever happened to him. And now he can suffer for the rest of his life for it, while i continue on with mine, and continue to be happy without him. I hate him.

"Block the entrances, close the doors. Seal the exits, because this is war.All gave some, some gave all. But for what I want to know. Carry on, don't mind me. All I gave was everything. And yet you ask me for more. Fought your fight, bought your life, and in return; I lost my life. What purpose does this serve? ...You have it backwards. It is better to Live on your Feet than to Die on your Knees. Don't carry on, just walk away."

They say be afraid, you're not like the others.

i was struggling to stay awake in math today, and decided to list a bunch of facts about me. Not personality wise, but internally. Shit that's the innards that nobody knows lol and this is what i came up with :)
-I count ceiling tiles when I'm bored
-People who chew with their mouthes open gross me out and disgust me.
-My stereo volume always has to be on an even #
-Math seriously bores me to the point of falling asleep
-I graduated High school early to get away from immature drama
-I'm very compassionate which is probably my biggest flaw.
-I bite the inside of my mouth when something is bothering me/
-I absolutely cannot stomach bloody movies or shows.
-Daydreaming is a part of my everyday life
-My mind never stops racing
-I love drinking Arnold Palmers
-I forget things easily and usually write things on my hand to remember
-I wish i was better at drawing
-THe little things mean teh most to me
-I face a daily struggle to forgive and let go
-When I hear a song that has significance to my life, i get the chills every time i hear it without fail.
-It crushes me to see others in pain
-I don't cry often and when i do, it is very brief and doesn't last long
-I hate writing in pencil
-Sometimes it's hard for me to smile.
-One of these days I'm leaving this place. And once i'm gone, Im never coming back.
-I wish i was closer with my brothers.
-I love the smell of pine trees
-I don't believe in feeling with the heart.. It comes from the soul.
-I love kids.
-I cant draw a straight line to save my life
-my newest goal in life is to fight for a cause and be passionate about it.
-Many people I have relied on have walked away.
-My body hates alcohol and punishes me when i drink a lot of it.
-Whenever I see paneled windows, I count the corners, over and over and over and over again.
-I wear my watch on my right wrist, even tho I'm not left handed.
-I feel naked if i'm not wearing a necklace
-I hate clocks. They make me anxious.
-I brush my teeth.. a LOT
-I have my Mother's eyes, strength, and temper
-For me there is a difference between living and being alive.
-I love tattoos. My body is a canvas, always ready for the next addition.
-I hate being wrong. Especially about people.

"The path I carve from here on out will be my own ... This path will be my own."

Why don't you just leave?

School means absolutely nothing to me.. i cannot stay awake when i'm there and i cant for the life of me take it seriously. I'm still debating about how i'm going to go about this KC thing... Do i enroll into Capri for a semester? Just for the experience? or do I continue to work full time? I suppose i could find out in May when i go down there... I am so excited to do this... Excited and nervous. A whole LOT of nervous. My mind is jumping around today.. I'm in such a strange state of mind right now... I wish i could explain it. I still find it shocking how Ben reacted when I told him that i was moving... At first i knew the thoughts of long distance or simply ending our relationship breifly crossed his mind, then he attempted to voice these concerns he had, and once he finally grew silent again, he simply said, "Give me six months. Six months to prepare."

Goodness, so much to talk about tonight... So much intensity has been going on... I almost lost my mind on Monday I think it was.. Rachel Drew is becoming the bane of my existence. She seems to think that she can manipulate him. I think not. But i was so shaken up when he told me... I think i vaguely remember him telling me about the first one already... but the second one.. did NOT know about that one.. or that when him and Sarah were together he would drive to see Rachel because of these stupid 'nightmares', and sarah not only knew about these late nights but was ok with it. As I told Jes, im NOT sarah, and i will NOT tollerate that. No way in hell. She threw away a lot of chances in 7 years, and thats her own problem. Do not involve yourself in my relationships, unless you want to have a REAL nightmare. But anyways, back to what the HELL was going on in my mind when he "re-"informed me.. A lot of hate... a lack of sympathy, and a whole lot of jealousy. Yep, I was intimidated that she had that kind of manipulative hold on him, and knew exactly how to push his buttons... how to get in his head... he's usually so good at detecting bull shit like that so i guess that's what upsets me.. he can't see what is plain as day to anyone who knows anything.

But i think imma sneak a nap in quick before going over to benjamin's casa :)

"This house is filled with rocks. We regret to inform you there's no love here for you. You make a horrible point, your eyes looking lost. So leave. Just leave through the cutting board cutting board cutting room floor. You've got this crazy notion, let;s rip this out by the seems. With every word you try to say you dig yourself a hole you can;t escape. I was a little bit more than what you came here for."

the quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth

I don't think i've ever felt this lonely in my life... Last night sitting in the ER, curled up in two chairs, falling asleep against the wall, i suddenly woke up and wanted to start crying. I wanted to burst into tears and just leave. I was so tempted... and so sad. I've never felt so alone in my life. I've had some pretty low points in my life, but last night for some reason i've just never felt so alone. I don't like to think about it. I want to keep blocking it out.

"And i don't think that you see the places inside me that i Find... And I don't know how we woke up one day and somehow thought we knew exactly what we're supposed to do."

and one by one i watched every constellation die

so here's a thought. Going to Paul Mitchell school... talking to Bholmes today about her not getting accepted into her program for radiology and just talking about life in general.. i got to talking about Alex and him going to Paul Mitchell... as i was playing with her hair jus messing around.. and i thought to myself that i would effing love to go to Paul Mitchell.. and how that way i could live in KC.. i swear, that's where my heart is yearning to be.. I mean damn, i could get started with school there, and shit, i mean it's not exactly like it takes a genius to be able to write.. why can't i WRITE and not have all the technical shit clouding my mind? That's why i do this.. to CLEAR my mind and say what is on my mind.. i just feel like i should do writing the way i want to, not be like a trained dog when it comes to writing.. there is no guaranteed formula for it... it needs to come naturally, not be forced or applied manually.. and that's what i do.. flow. Let my words flow, let the creativity run free.. Bholmes is encouraging me to do it.. saying it's soemthing i'm good at so if it's something i'd like to at least try, to just GO for it... idk. I feel like i should talk to my mom and see what she has to say about it.. Maybe i need to do some research on this.. tuition etc.. fuck.

"Man can love an angel but he's got to take the chance... respect the life and the fashions of the children, it's the only culture i've got; exactly what we've been building....The clouds ran away, opened up the sky...And there i was, frozen, standing in my backyard. Face to face, eye to eye, staring at the last star."

Someday oh i'll make time. Maybe. But not tonight.

So, i found myself once again wondering why it is Bridget is being such a difficult person.. it's crazy to think that so much we've been through and yet.. after everything we've been through with eachother, and how much we've been there for eachother, every obstacle we've overcome, TOGETHER. i still just can't seem to get over that she's no longer in my life... it's crazy. In a way, it's one less person to worry about, but still.. i can't stop caring. it just doesn't work that way... I have no off button :( i'm excellent at blocking emotions out however. And I continue to do that.. unfortunately. Listening to Josephine Collective, and god, i effing love it. It makes me so chill. That and Apocalyptica.. Ryan intoduced me to them, and needless to say, i find myself drawn into even the songs without words, which is slightly unusual for me.. although the white noise i've been listening to to focus more on homework has worked wonders. I think too much. And the whole not having to think of the lyrics thing helps slow down my racing thoughts and focus more on the task at hand. like homework. ANYWAYS. now that i've managed to stray kind of off topic haha ... bridget. bridget bridget klein.. hopeless and utterly obsessed bridget. God it still pisses me off that she is STILL obsessed with him... i mean good grief.. enough is enough! but i don't want to talk about that right now..

I talked to Jes Parsons last night and I remembered why i absolutely love talking to that guy. He understands my mindset so well it's insanity. He says something and i finish his sentence. We've always been on the same page.. we have a lot of the same beliefs and philosophies in regards to life. I love that we can listen to eachother and actually just soak in what the other has to say. I feel like a damn sponge when i'm talking with him haha i absolutely love it! And i don't have to worry about him having "ulterior motives" ad wanting a relationship more than friendship with me. thank GOD. we've had that conversation before. He's making me lunch on tuesday! I'm so excited!! No guy has ever made me food before! haha i think we're just having burgers or something but i'm excited regardless. I love spending time with him, specifically because he's amazing to have conversations with. I feel like i'm repeating myself when i say this but i feel so enlightened when i talk to him.. no judging, similar backgrounds, similar histories, similar mindsets, and similar personalities. We're very different in some respects, but we're scary alike in other instances. I think me and Jes were meant to be twins or something haha

"I wasn't alive for thousands and thousands of years. Then I was born and it didn't bother me the slightest." Mark Twain.

"A kid without a conscious cries alone in his cold bedroom at night. Perpetually asking why oh why am i so lonely as he sharpens his knife.Why don't we try harder than last time to dry our eyes and smile?"