the quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth

I don't think i've ever felt this lonely in my life... Last night sitting in the ER, curled up in two chairs, falling asleep against the wall, i suddenly woke up and wanted to start crying. I wanted to burst into tears and just leave. I was so tempted... and so sad. I've never felt so alone in my life. I've had some pretty low points in my life, but last night for some reason i've just never felt so alone. I don't like to think about it. I want to keep blocking it out.

"And i don't think that you see the places inside me that i Find... And I don't know how we woke up one day and somehow thought we knew exactly what we're supposed to do."

and one by one i watched every constellation die

so here's a thought. Going to Paul Mitchell school... talking to Bholmes today about her not getting accepted into her program for radiology and just talking about life in general.. i got to talking about Alex and him going to Paul Mitchell... as i was playing with her hair jus messing around.. and i thought to myself that i would effing love to go to Paul Mitchell.. and how that way i could live in KC.. i swear, that's where my heart is yearning to be.. I mean damn, i could get started with school there, and shit, i mean it's not exactly like it takes a genius to be able to write.. why can't i WRITE and not have all the technical shit clouding my mind? That's why i do this.. to CLEAR my mind and say what is on my mind.. i just feel like i should do writing the way i want to, not be like a trained dog when it comes to writing.. there is no guaranteed formula for it... it needs to come naturally, not be forced or applied manually.. and that's what i do.. flow. Let my words flow, let the creativity run free.. Bholmes is encouraging me to do it.. saying it's soemthing i'm good at so if it's something i'd like to at least try, to just GO for it... idk. I feel like i should talk to my mom and see what she has to say about it.. Maybe i need to do some research on this.. tuition etc.. fuck.

"Man can love an angel but he's got to take the chance... respect the life and the fashions of the children, it's the only culture i've got; exactly what we've been building....The clouds ran away, opened up the sky...And there i was, frozen, standing in my backyard. Face to face, eye to eye, staring at the last star."

Someday oh i'll make time. Maybe. But not tonight.

So, i found myself once again wondering why it is Bridget is being such a difficult person.. it's crazy to think that so much we've been through and yet.. after everything we've been through with eachother, and how much we've been there for eachother, every obstacle we've overcome, TOGETHER. i still just can't seem to get over that she's no longer in my life... it's crazy. In a way, it's one less person to worry about, but still.. i can't stop caring. it just doesn't work that way... I have no off button :( i'm excellent at blocking emotions out however. And I continue to do that.. unfortunately. Listening to Josephine Collective, and god, i effing love it. It makes me so chill. That and Apocalyptica.. Ryan intoduced me to them, and needless to say, i find myself drawn into even the songs without words, which is slightly unusual for me.. although the white noise i've been listening to to focus more on homework has worked wonders. I think too much. And the whole not having to think of the lyrics thing helps slow down my racing thoughts and focus more on the task at hand. like homework. ANYWAYS. now that i've managed to stray kind of off topic haha ... bridget. bridget bridget klein.. hopeless and utterly obsessed bridget. God it still pisses me off that she is STILL obsessed with him... i mean good grief.. enough is enough! but i don't want to talk about that right now..

I talked to Jes Parsons last night and I remembered why i absolutely love talking to that guy. He understands my mindset so well it's insanity. He says something and i finish his sentence. We've always been on the same page.. we have a lot of the same beliefs and philosophies in regards to life. I love that we can listen to eachother and actually just soak in what the other has to say. I feel like a damn sponge when i'm talking with him haha i absolutely love it! And i don't have to worry about him having "ulterior motives" ad wanting a relationship more than friendship with me. thank GOD. we've had that conversation before. He's making me lunch on tuesday! I'm so excited!! No guy has ever made me food before! haha i think we're just having burgers or something but i'm excited regardless. I love spending time with him, specifically because he's amazing to have conversations with. I feel like i'm repeating myself when i say this but i feel so enlightened when i talk to him.. no judging, similar backgrounds, similar histories, similar mindsets, and similar personalities. We're very different in some respects, but we're scary alike in other instances. I think me and Jes were meant to be twins or something haha

"I wasn't alive for thousands and thousands of years. Then I was born and it didn't bother me the slightest." Mark Twain.

"A kid without a conscious cries alone in his cold bedroom at night. Perpetually asking why oh why am i so lonely as he sharpens his knife.Why don't we try harder than last time to dry our eyes and smile?"

Strong Enough to Stay Away

yep. I've gone and done it now. I feel like my brain should be more muddled than it is.. but in all honesty, it felt right. No matter how "wrong" it was... God i just miss him so much.. It was so familiar and non foreign.. i could be ALLISON. and not somebody i think he'll like. I was able to be myself. He makes me laugh like nobody's business, and keeps a smile on my face.. he's no toy soldier. "I guess I feel in love with a toy soldier." No more. Goddamn, i miss having someone who would drop everything to do the little things for me.. like buy me doritos for crying out loud..I miss being so important that somebody was able to make time for me no problem. I miss the non-intensity of a relationship where i'm crazy insanely happy ALL the time. "When the exception becomes the constant, is that when love fades?" All me and ben do is fight. All me and ryan do is have fun... it's such a contradicting web of intricate insanity it makes me wonder if i HAVE lost my sanity..they're complete opposites yet scarily alike. It both weirds me out and intrigues me at the same time. to have two individuals that are so different and such polar opposites find themselves interested in the same individual just strikes me as odd. I need coffee. Doritos aren't cutting the cake today. I need a mocha in order to finish my thinking. To be continued.

"Like a moth i'm drawn into your flame..You look in my eyes. I'm stripped of my pride. And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to its knees.And it's killin  me when your away. I wanna leave an I wanna stay.I'm so confused, so hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain.And i know it's wrong and i know it's right. Even if i tried to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind, and i'm not strong enough to stay away."

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Ryan told me it was of my own doing, and i'm quite aware he's right. I need to stop complaining... He's the only person i would trust enough with everything and anything. I'm not going to lie, i miss having fun.. i miss being carefree and knowing that somebody loves me for EVERYTHING i am.. not just some things...I keep listening to the song Crack my Heart by Josephine the Collective, and keep thinking of ryan and everything we've been through. All the bullshit i've put that guy through, and he's such a genuine person he still sticks around because he's got a heart. It seriously makes me want to cry. He knows me better than anyone.. he can tell if i'm lying, if i'm not okay, if something's bothering me.. He knows if i'll like a song or a band... "It’s too late now to stop the process. This was your choice – you let it in. This double life you live is eating you up from within. A thousand shards of glass you pushed beneath my skin, And left me lying here to bleed. And as you showed my your scars, I only held you closer. But as the light in you went dark I saw you turn over... I wanted always to be there for you and close to you, But I’m loosing this And I’m loosing you. And oh I’ve gotta turn and run."
i think a part of me is intrigued that he's managed to pull himself together without me.. he doesn't NEED me. It feels as though Ben needs me to survive. He tells me all cocky that he "doesn't need this shit," and this "Isn't what i fucking signed up for" n yadda yadda ya, but last time i left him, he was a mess. EVERY time we've had a falling out where we don't talk, he falls appart, Yea, it FELT like i was going to fall apart, but i didn't. I held myself together. And Ryan helped. gah, this is so frustrating. This is all kind of a big deal.Hanging out with Ryan today was amazing... I was laughing constantly. And getting a hug from him was the highlight of my day...I miss the person he brought out in me. The spirit he released. feeling HAPPY. not just when things were going a certain way, but ALL the time. I miss Ryan. And this is NOT good. 


"Now that i'm gone; scream your loudest, if he's in your basement. If he's touching your skin, i'll kill him. Hold my brush to his head, said i'd paint this whole town red. Crack my heart and spill it."

Creation? No more.

i hate when he gets difficult. When he decides that whenever imma do my own thing and do something without him that he's going to be difficult. As if that's going to change my mind. I'm not about to change my plans that i've had for over a month just because he has that same weekend off. And now his car is broken down. Joy. I've offered to drive him if he needs a ride, and he's not responding. I've asked what is wrong that his car is "broken" and nothing. He's probably on the phone figuring shit out right now, which i can understand, but damn.. Here i am, being a ray of sunshine as always, forced to fit a mold so as not to cause problems, and what is it getting me? breif moments of happiness? agh, it's so frustrating. What i want to do is strip myself down to the bare essentials of my being, and figure out what i am. Figure out what i stand for. What i'm made of. No more supressing everything that makes me uncomfortable. Time for some re-constructing i think. I keep telling myself that i'm going to, but i haven't taken action. Time to make it official and to take it seriously. I cannot continue to make everyone else happy. Time to do me. No creating, no constructing. Time to become an individual, for real this time. There is no time like now. Mise well do it now before it's too late and i'm somebody of everybody's creation. We were watching Gone With the Wind today in history, and i couldn't help but admire Scarlette, despite her silly girlish ways. She's a strong independent woman, and although she chased her dreams of Ashley for such a long time, she realized what was not to be, and continued to be strong and rise. She didn't let anyone ever tell her what to do, and she was so fierce and independent i couldn't help but envy her. Time to step up to the plate Allison.

"I believe that life is a prize.But to live doesn't mean you're alive. I call the shots, I am the umpire."

goodbye pencils.

"ya it's gonna be on the news. Allison pfohl mass murderer was captured today. She killed hundreds and wrote amazing things about each and every one of them. lol" -Schilling 3-1-11

I've had it with pencil. It fades, smudges, and can be erased.
To start over and rebuild myself from scratch is something that's becoming a burning desire.. what started out as a light itch is mutating into a dream i crave... and the worst part is knowing i can do it.

"I hear the tears of a clown. I hate that song. I always feel like they talking to me when it comes on. Another Day another Dawn."